UmNo
by guys in my head
Summary: “I don’t care how much money the pack needs, I’d rather dance at a strip club!” I snapped at them. Embry and Quil started laughing. “Lee-lee, it is one pageant.” Jacob pleaded. “Don’t call me that, Black.” I growled. a random story inspired by my bros
1. Chapter 1

**A/N-**

**Okay, so I have three little brothers right. I mean talk about a full house. And today they decided to watch this one iCarly episode that has been bugging me to go Twilight. It seriously screams "Re-Write Me! Re-Write Me!" and it's insane. So of course, as I'm doing those annoying dishes that stack up, I hear that iCarly theme song and it's **_**the**_** episode and I go "NOT AGAIN!" **

**But, unlike the last gazillion times, I've decided to oblige. So here we go, random one-shot here. Leah POV.**

_**Um…NO**_

"I don't care how much money the pack needs, I'd rather dance at a strip club!" I snapped at them.

Embry and Quil started laughing.

"Lee-lee, it is _one_ pageant." Jacob pleaded.

"Don't _call_ me that, Black." I growled.

"Please?" Seth gave me his stupid puppy dog eyes.

"No."

"Why not?" Quil asked.

"Because even if I do win, which is highly doubtful considering I am a six foot tall twenty year-old, I don't feel like making a fool of myself."

"You used to!" Seth whined.

"When I was seven!" I looked at him like he was insane.

"And you'd say strippers don't make fools of themselves?" Embry raised an eyebrow.

"I didn't say it in those words."

"Well, it doesn't matter what you say, Alice and Rosalie are already preparing. Alice has three outfits and Rosalie has called make-up." Jacob told me.

"I will not play Barbie for Pixie Dust and Blondie." I glared at him.

***

Well, I guess I'm playing Barbie for Pixie Dust and Blondie. Who knew these guys were _that_ strong? I mean, okay, I'm not _the_ heaviest wolf, nor am I the strongest, but managing to drag me in wolf form to the Mansion on the Hill is quite an accomplishment.

"So, the pageant starts at seven, you need to be signed in by six-thirty. We'll get going now so we have an hour before the sign-ins are _due _and we should be fine." Alice hopped and checked over everything she and Rosalie had already packed. I groaned.

"I don't want to do this. Can't one of you two do it for me? Rosalie? Rosalie will definitely win, I mean look at her!"

"I was kicked out." She frowned.

"Well, so was I, when I was seven." I shot back.

Alice made a face.

"You guys were kicked out? For what?"

Rosalie said "pulling a gun" at the same time I said "punching a judge."

She laughed.

***

"I thought only my 'artists' were allowed back here." I commented as I looked in the mirror to see Jacob and Seth standing behind me.

"They are, but I gave the guard $500 and called it even." Alice shrugged, "I'd have given him more, but he was drinking so I figured he'd waste it anyways."

"Alice, just because someone is drinking doesn't mean they're going to waste money on alcohol." Rosalie sighed, "It just means they feel like drinking at the time."

"I've always wondered. If a vampire was to drink the blood of an intoxicated human, would they get drunk?" Seth asked Alice and people turned to stare. **(A/N- I got that from my best friend)**

"Don't know, go ask one." Alice snapped. Everyone looked away.

A familiar face strode towards me.

"Vionca." I wrinkled my nose in distaste, "I didn't even know she did these anymore." I was quiet enough that only Alice and Rosalie would have heard me.

"Leah, it's great to see you again! You are still doing pageants?"

"Nope, it's a onetime deal. Alice and Rosalie begged me to come." I glared at her. I don't think she noticed.

"Well, do well!" She walked away.

"Don't tell me what to—" Rosalie slapped a hand in front of my mouth.

"Damn, I hoped I didn't ruin your lipstick!" She got started fixing my make-up.

"I'll go sign you in." Alice skipped away.

***

"I'm Leah Clearwater and I," Enjoy annoying the shit out of people? "Work to save the Olympic wolf." I turned and walked off to where Alice and Rosalie were cracking up. The audience clapped behind me.

"You put the thing in danger, you don't save it!" Rosalie rolled her eyes, still smiling.

"Yes, well. Unless I was about to say 'and I protect my people from vampires' I really don't think I do much charity work."

"Come on! We have to get you ready for the question!" Alice pulled me back towards the dressing area.

***

Okay, you've gone over ever possible question, Leah. Calm down.

"What is your standpoint on teen drinking?" The idiot asked me.

"I believe that teens should spend their money, not on alcohol, but they should donate their money to help end world hunger." I glanced at where Alice and Rosalie stood.

Alice mouthed "for the children."

"For the children."

Everyone clapped, the judges looked impressed.

"Happy?" I snapped at Jacob when I got back to my station.

He grinned.

"Out, out! She has to change for the talent competition." Alice pushed he and Seth away.

"Oh…yeah…talent…what am I doing for that?"

Rosalie and Alice looked at each other, then back at me.

"Turn into a giant dog." We all said together and burst out laughing. I was actually getting used to these two.

I can't believe I just thought that.

"Can you sing?" Alice asked.

"Does howling count?"

"Dance?"

"A little…"

"Play an instrument?" Rosalie hoped.

"I used to play the piano…"

"Well, let's try it!" Alice smiled, skipping away. When she returned a few moments later, she had a keyboard.

***

"You have a great voice, just sing the song!" Alice pushed me onto the stage where the keyboard sat. I sat down and turned it on to the piano setting.

I played the intro.

Alice and Rosalie nodded.

The first verse was coming up, don't miss the cue…

"Making my way downtown," NAILED IT! "Walking fast faces pass and I'm homebound."

I finished the version of the song we had thrown together and hurried off.

"You were great!" Rosalie patted my back.

***

"Where were you guys? You were supposed to pick me up from vampire manor two hours ago. I had to _run_ home myself!" I snapped, looking at Quil and Embry wearing the weirdest headbands with cards stuck to the top. Jacob and Seth were running patrol.

"We were busy. We've invested five _hours_ in this game and we aren't giving up until we guess what we are." Embry shot back, deep in concentration.

"You're cheese." I pointed at Embry, "And you're a big toe. OUT OF MY HOUSE!" I walked down the hall and slammed my bedroom door shut.

**3****rd**** Person POV**

"DAMN! NOW WE HAVE TO START OVER!" Quil yelled and he and Embry picked up another card each.

"Am I a squirrel?"

"_NO_!"

_**^~`*`~^**_

**A/N-**

**Yep, completely random and inspired by that annoying TV show.**

**Yeah, the last two sentences were completely memorized by me, but that's what I do. I naturally memorize lines, whether from books, movies, TV shows, songs, or plays. It's a habit. Watch it once and I have at least one thing down pat. That's the side-effect for acting lessons as a 4 y/o I suppose.**

**That and fantastic lying ability.**

**Lolz**

**~ME~**


	2. Chapter 2

**I AM COMPLETELY AWARE NO ONE READS THESE! READ IT NOW!**

**A/N-**

**Okay, that was originally a one-shot, but to the popular demand of something like 5-6 people putting it on story alert, I've decided to make it a bunch of mostly unrelated one-shots. **

**Except, this one is related to the last one because I just thought it'd be funny…**

**3****rd**** Person POV unless said otherwise.**

_**Um…Am I a Toad?**_

"Can you eat me?" Embry asked.

"Um, you'd choke…" Quil made a face. "Okay, can I drown?"

"Depends, in what?"

"Water."

"Oh, then no, you can't drown, you're a fish." Embry shrugged then his eyes widened.

"DAMN NOW I HAVE TO START OVER AGAIN!" Quil yelled at him. He picked up another card and put it on his face angrily.

"GUYS, SHUT-UP!" Leah screamed from down the hall.

"Am I cold?"

"NO!" Quil shook his head. "Am I historic?"

"THIS IS A KID'S GAME! THEY DON'T PUT HISTORY IN KID'S GAMES, THEY'D SUCK!" Embry rolled his eyes. "Am I Hispanic?"

"We don't teach children to be RACIST PEOPLE EITHER!" Quil threw the instructions at him.

"Wait…what did I say?" Embry rubbed his eyes and yawned.

"Never mind. Am I food?"

"No. Am I a squirrel?"

"We went over this, no."

_Four hours later…_

"Am I a chipmunk?"

"A chipmunk is a kind of squirrel, you are not a squirrel, Embry, stop asking!" Quil banged his head on the table.

"It's six in the morning, aren't you finished yet?!" Leah had her pillow over her head in an attempt to block them out.

"NO!" They both called.

"Hello, boys, would you like some breakfast?" Mrs. Clearwater asked. They both nodded.

"Am I an igloo?" Quil asked.

"No. Am I a vampire?"

"I'd sure as hell hope not else I'd have to kill you." Quil shook his head.

"Boys." Mrs. Clearwater gasped.

"JUST LOOK AT THE DAMN CARD ON MY FOREHEAD AND TELL ME IF I'M A VAMPIRE!"

"WE DO NOT USE THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE IN MY FUCKING HOUSE YOU DALINQUENT CHILDREN!" Sue screeched.

The boys froze.

They turned back to each other.

"Am I a plata-dog?" Quil tried.

"A _what_?"

"I don't know, ask Claire." He shrugged.

"You're a sloth and you're a rollercoaster." Jacob had come into the house and straight into the kitchen.

"NO!" They yelled together.

They tore off their cards and placed new ones on their heads.

"Am I a flamingo?"

"Oh_ hell_ no!"


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N-**

**This is a one-shot completely separate from my other two in this. It's just randomly about Seth and his imprint because I was thinking "if an imprint had a killer headache…what would happen?" because of my stupid migraine that is yelling at me for having such a bright computer screen. Third Person POV. (seth's imprint is named Harper in this one…)**

_**Oh, COME ON!**_

"Oh, OW!" Jared shook his head as he raced along the border line parallel to the one Seth was running.

"Seriously, what the fuck?" Jacob complained.

"Okay, who has the killer headache?" Embry asked.

"It's Harper, I she has a killer headache today." Seth whined helplessly, wanting to comfort his imprint.

"I haven't been in so much pain because of imprinting since Sam ripped half of Emily's face off." Paul snapped. "I mean my face was _burning_ for _days_!"

"Oh, hey, Sam." Quil commented, "You haven't phased in a while, funny you choose now to show up."

"Just ironic…" Paul grumbled.

"Seth, get yourself a girlfriend with less head issues." Leah was knocking her head against a tree in a desperate attempt to ease the pain.

"You're making it worse, Leah!" Jacob rolled over onto his back in defeat.

"Seth, the trick is to phase back." Sam told him.

"Yeah, do that." Embry agreed.

"I'll run your patrols for a month!" Collin added in.

"And I'll run them for another month." Brady's face was soaked with the cold sea water he had just dunked it in to free himself from Harper's pain.

"Does this girl know there's an invention called aspirin?" Leah scratched at her head now.

"It wouldn't help." Seth cried.

"Oh my God, dude just phase back!" Jared rolled his eyes, "Ow, ow, ow, dizzy spell, dizzy spell!" Everyone collapsed.

"I'm seeing spots!" Quil gasped out through the fog in his head.

"That's Embry's ass."

"Oh, fantastic."

"What if she fell down the stairs?!" Seth jumped and began racing in circles. "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, she could have died!"

"I think you'd know if she died." Sam sighed.

"Yeah, really, my head is still suicidal and you're running in circles is making me dizzier, and I thought that wasn't possible."

"WHAT IF SHE WAS DRIVING?!"

"She can't drive! She doesn't even have a permit!"

"What if she hijacked a car? What if she was flying an airplane?!"

"Can she fly airplanes now?"

"Just go find out if she's alright, and please don't come back!"

Seth phased out.

"Oh thank God!" Leah shook her head as the pain faded away.

"Ah-haha-hahahaha, I just pictured Harper falling off a cliff." Embry laughed.

"SERIOUSLY, EMBRY?!" They all thought together.

"We _knew_ that, we _saw_ the little fantasy. We've seen _too many_ of your fantasies." Jared commented.

"Yeah like that one with Leah, oh my God I remember that!"

"You _**WHAT**_?!" Leah screeched.

"Start running now." Jacob sighed.

"I'm gone!" Embry raced away from where he was.

"GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE JACKASS!"

They both phased out.

"Ten on Embry." Collin told Brady.

"You're on."

"Guys, it's alright. Harper didn't fall down any stairs! She had the dizzy spell on the couch." Seth had come back.

"Good for her, please get out of here." Quil was running with his head scraping the ground.

"Seth, phase out and help your imprint already, she kind of needs you." Jacob thought at him.

"Thank God for the command." Sam was shaking water out of his ear having done the same thing Brady had done by dunking his head in the water.

"Well, I'm out. Claire wants to watch Pocahontas again. She has this thing about singing trees." Quil was smiling about his little three year-old imprint.

"I remember that movie! Rachel renamed all the characters so she could remember them." Jacob laughed, "It was Poco, Best friend, Koko, Chief Father, guard one, guard two, talking tree, hummer, and she kept Meeko, and invading tribe. Then she did Governor Governor, Smitty, dumb and dumber, red-head-Scotts-boy, and pugsly."

"Wait…what?!" Embry looked around confused.

"Did you ever notice Kokowum doesn't bleed when he dies? He's shot then he doesn't bleed." Quil commented.

"Yeah, that's a good point! Rachel used to cry when the necklace broke, but she'd laugh when Koko died."

"Why did she cry when the necklace broke?" Paul asked.

"Because it was the only thing Pocahontas had left of her mother so she cried when it broke." Jacob shrugged, or tried to… "But she laughed her guts out when Koko died. She said something like `that's why we don't get in the way of true love` or something sappy like that."

"I wonder if she'd laugh if you were shot…" Paul wondered.

"Probably."

"This is all very fascinating, but I'm going to finish running patrol with Collin and you guys are going to take your discussion elsewhere." Jared said carefully.

"Remember when Becca cut her hair because of Mulan?" and they were out.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N-**

**Happy late St. Patrick's Day!**

_**Uh…hmm**_

"Do you guys think, because we exist and vampires exist, that leprechauns could actually exist?" Seth asked innocently.

"Uh…" Jared thought for a moment. "Hm…that's a good question…"

"We should go leprechaun hunting!" Collin volunteered.

"Um, no!" Leah shot back. "I will not waste my time looking for short men in green clothes with stupid Irish accents and their annoying smoking pipes."

"Fine, you don't have to come!"

Leah shrugged, dumped her cereal milk in the sink, and went to her room.

"Maybe faeries exist too…" Brady wondered aloud.

"Let's not go that far…" Jacob stared at him like he was insane.

***

"_Are the traps all set?" Seth asked._

"_Yep."_

"_Yup."_

"_Ye—" Jacob started choking on a fly._

"_Fantastic!" Seth nodded his approval, "Now we just wait."_

_They sat like that for four hours before Embry and Quil came along._

"_What's up?"_

"_Shhh!" They all said together. "We're hunting leprechauns!"_

"_Claire caught one." Quil shrugged and walked away._

"_What?! AW MAN!" Seth yelled._

"_I CAUGHT ONE I CAUGHT ONE!" Brady picked up a little green man._

"_Give us your gold!"_

"_Yeah!"_

_They all glared at the bloke with a chubby face covered with red hair._

Seth snapped awake.

"That was the _stupidest_ dream I have _ever_ had!" And he rolled over and fell back to sleep as a little Irish man watched amused from his window.

The little guy winked and with a huff on his pipe, he was gone.

…

**A/N-**

**Okay, for those who didn't understand. The **_**italics**_** was Seth's dream. But, yes, the morning really happened and so did the man on his windowsill.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N-**

**Okay, so I thought this was a pretty original idea, personally. Based off "Meet Me Halfway" by the Black Eyed Peas.**

_**Meet Me Halfway**_

**3rd Person**

Nessie **(A/N-God how I hate the **_**name**_**)** watched the darkness fall outside from her bedroom window at the main house. She let out a sigh, it seemed everyone but her was happy. She was only seven, but physically she was seventeen and mentally she was two-hundred-something.

On the topic of certain things.

Almost in a daze, she began walking to the border. She crept quietly down the stairs, knowing no one would hear her over their…activities.

"I can't go any further than this..." She whispered to herself.

_Meanwhile, Jacob was out running patrol…_

"_Dude, stop thinking about her! She's seven!"_ Embry complained.

"_I can't stop thinking about her, I _love_ her, Embry. And it's not like the whole 'older brother' thing anymore."_ Jacob shot back.

"_God, we have to see another imprint's sex life, the joy!"_ Collin said sarcastically.

"_I remember when it was just me and her. You know, when Edward and Bells would let me babysit. Or take her hunting. I miss her when I'm away from her like this."_

"_Stupid leech spawn."_ Leah mumbled.

Nessie tried texted Jacob, knowing full well he was running and that he wouldn't answer.

**Can u meet me halfway?**

Jacob heard his phone vibrate and turned to loosen in. He managed to paw in out of his pocket and hit the button with his nose. Replying took a little longer.

**Wheres halfway?**

Nessie smiled and texted her reply easily with her delicate lily-white hands.

**Right at the border line.**

Jacob pawed frantically at the phone, trying to reply faster that what his clumsy paws would allow him. Leah laughed hysterically as she watched both from his mind and from right next to her alpha.

**Gotcha b there**

Nessie hit reply one last time.

**I'll wait for you.**

Jacob ran there as fast as he could, but he was on the side the furthest away from La Push. He pushed himself harder, taking all his thoughts into consideration, not allowing for one to be unaccounted for. Embry groaned and Collin whined. Leah blocked it out with a few songs she could think of. She actually had a pretty good memory. Jacob couldn't help but listen to her, she was like the pack's personal radio.

"_Can you meet me halfway, right at the borderline  
That's where I'm gonna wait, for you  
I'll be lookin' out, night n'day  
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where I'll stay_

_Oh oh oh oh oh  
I can't go any further than this  
Oh oh oh oh oh  
I want you so bad it's my only wish"_

"_I hate the Black Eyed Peas."_ Collin grumbled, but everyone ignored him.

Jacob couldn't help but feel the pull. He couldn't fight it. He'd follow her anywhere, he'd go anywhere to be with her. She was so pretty, so gentle…well…most the time. He grinned. Still, he wished he could just marry her already, it would save him so much worrying. Stupid leech wouldn't let him until she was sixteen.

Renesmee pondered her relationship with Jacob. Her heart yearned for more. She remembered the feeling from when he changed from her big brother to her best friend. It was a confusing feeling in the pit of her stomach, like butterflies. She looked around for him in the dark, but she couldn't see or scent him.

Finally, he reached the border and saw his angel sitting there, thinking. Leah stopped singing and he phased back, pulling on his pants quickly before emerging.

Nessie looked up at him, her brown eyes meeting his.

"You wanted to talk to me, Ness?" He asked.

"I love you."

She pulled his lips down to meet hers and somewhere in the distance, a wolf howled an amused howl.

**8*8*8*8**

**A/N-**

**Aw, such a sappy romance shot. Ugh, I was inspired but I couldn't figure out whether to end it with "I love you" or the wolf's howl.**


	6. Chapter 6

_**Um…What?**_

**Collin POV**

"Mom, do I have to do the egg-hunt? I'm so tired!" I groaned, rolling out of bed.

"Your sisters already opened their Easter Bunny baskets without you, I expect you to do this." She scolded.

"Fine." I mumbled.

She walked downstairs and I followed, tripping occasionally while rubbing my eyes. My younger sister, Hayley, handed me a basket. She was six, the other, Suzie, was four. She skipped away and I sighed, walking around, pretending to find Easter eggs. About an hour later, my mom called us together to see what we got.

"How many did you get, Hayley?" She asked.

"I got twenty-three." She responded proudly. I looked in my basket to see the little cracked plastic egg that I had found by stepping on.

"How about you, Suzie?"

"I gwot fwour!" She giggled, holding up four fingers.

"Collin?"

"One."

"Great job everybody! How about we have some breakfast?"

***

"Hello!" My sisters, my mom, and I walked into Sam and Emily's house for the Easter Party. Usually, we stayed home, but we came here for Christmas too, that's when _it _happened. My God the kid was a stalker, although the kid was older than me. Only my mom knew what I was, I kept my sisters out of my other life up until that point not even my other friends, only Brady. Well, I don't think they _saw_ anything, but the whole "hey, Collin, dude, I just imprinted on Hayley," is kind of aggravating.

"Embry!" Hayley laughed and hugged him. You see what I mean? He's over _every single day_!

"Heya, kiddo." He laughed too. I mean she's six, come on! Then again…Quil and Claire…I wonder what kind of damage Emily would've done if she was a wolf…

Greetings were said and I sat down watching Embry and Hayley, waiting for Brady to show up. The doorbell rang and I looked up, hoping for Brady, but I heard Billy Black's voice instead.

"I hope you don't mind, I brought my niece, Kaisha. I figured she could help out and her parents are away so we were watching her."

"Of course not, the more the merrier. Come on in!" Emily said cheerfully. "There are some kids in the living room, Collin is about your age, go ahead."

I am not showing a new kid around. Never the less, the light footsteps drew closer.

"Um…hi…can I sit here?" Her voice was so alluring. I had to look up.

WOW!


	7. Chapter 7

_**Um…SQUIRREL?**_

"You're playing _again_?" Leah asked.

"We…never finished." Quil said innocently. "Embry, wake up."

"Wait-Whoa-What-SQUIRREL? AM I A SQUIRREL?" He jumped up, knocking the table over and sending orange juice flying onto Leah.

"You are _never_ coming to my house aga-WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?" She looked between them, sopping wet.

"I don't know, why is Seth here?" Embry asked.

"HE LIVES HERE! Despite the fact I deny being related to him HE LIVES IN MY HOUSE BECAUSE HE IS MY BROTHER!" She said as if they were deaf.

"Why is Jacob here? Did he sleep with you or something?" Quil asked.

"THAT'S A FUCKING CHAIR YOU RETARD!" SHe strangled him.

"Leah, don't strangle poor Big Toe." Embry groaned.

"ARE YOU SERIOUS, EMBRY? DAMN IT!" Quil yelled despite his lack of air. Screaming absolutely drained his oxygen supply and he proceeded to turn a quite ugly shade of blue.

"Leah, don't strangle Quil." Jacob sighed, walking in from the hallways to the left where Leah and Seth's bedrooms were.

"So…he did sleep with you?" Embry asked.

"OH HELL NO!" Leah and Jacob screamed together.

Embry raised his eyebrow.

"I climbed in the window, smelled orange juice. I don't really want it now." Jacob sighed, "Is this why Quil is getting strangled?"

"Yes." Leah growled, squeezing tighter.

"Proceed." HE waved, grabbing a muffin and walking out of the room after slapping Leah on the butt.

"BLACK, YOU GET YOUR FURRY ASS BACK HERE!" Leah screeched, chasing him out the door.

"QUIL, YOU OWE ME!" Jacob called from down the street.

"What just happened?" Seth yawned, walking in.

"You slept through all of this?" Quil stared at him in shock.

"Er..yeah…what'd I sleep through?" Seth asked.

"Leah and Jacob were fucking last night and she came in, took a bath in orange juice, Jacob slapped her on the ass, and they took off down the street to rub it in Sam's face." Embry explained.

"Good, good." Seth waved for them to carry-on, "I'm going back to bed."

Mrs. Clearwater shook her head from where she had seen all of the happenings in the corner of the kitchen next to the stove.

"I don't want to know…"

"Quil, you'll need to get a card." Embry reminded.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah…" He picked it up and stuck it to his head.

"Are you positive am not a squirrel?"

"YES!" The neighborhood screamed.


	8. Chapter 8

_**Um…Love?**_

**Collin POV**

"Kai, come on." I mumbled, "Is hiking into the woods really necessary?" Okay, I loved this girl, I'll admit, but I had run two patrols last night because Brady never showed up.

"Yes." She smiled happily. "Here we are."

How the hell had she found this? It was a little place with rocks covered in moss with a little stream that trickled into a pool. Everywhere was shrouded in a peaceful mist.

"Wow."

"Do you like it?" She bit her lip.

"It's amazing, Kai." I took her hand and squeezed it. "How'd you find it?"

"I was wandering one morning a few years ago, looking for something to write about." She smiled. She wrote poetry, she had talent like you wouldn't believe.

I was just happy she was staying with Emily and Sam for the month of July and the beginning of August.

"Collin, you told me the truth about you guys not too long ago." She said, "And about us. Tell me, do you really love me? Or is it just the imprint?"

"You're smart, you're funny, you're talented, you're beautiful, you're kind, you put up with me, you're my best friend." I went through the list, "Well…you and Brady." She laughed. "Yeah, I love you."

"Good." She nodded in approval. "Because I love you too."


End file.
